One Million Doves
by thanatophilia
Summary: One swan born from clay, one salamander staked through with regret, one golden lion with nowhere to call home, and one million doves ripped to bloody shreds at sunset.


He sat on the red tiled roofs of the city, his back to the white citadel: the Twilight Town clock, slowing ticking away all his time.

He felt electric, constrained and somewhere deep in his mechanical heart he knew he was almost through. He had terrifying dreams, about a boy who was him and a quest that was not his.

He wondered where his mother was and remembered the note he'd found one morning, reminding him that she was gone on a trip, that she'd call and that she loved him. She never did.

What belonged to him… Whatever it was, he would defend it fiercely.

鳩

Axel was his. But Axel was… dangerous. In the way man entreated him, Roxas could tell, could hear, could see that he had lied to him before.

"I can't trust you," Roxas murmured to the sky. The falling sun, reflected off the ocean, turned the entire world to fire.

Axel was his, was hungry for him and Roxas feared that maybe he was Axel's and they were all that was left of a time when…

There were things for him, here, in this little corner of the world, surrounded by sea on all sides and burned clean each night by the preternaturally beautiful sunsets that gave them all a name and a common ground.

If he took Axel, Axel would destroy them all, would gobble this city up to feed his spirit and… Roxas could not trust him.

鳩

He dreamt such terrible things. Dark visions tainted with regret, though he did not know how much of it was memory or premonition or dream. So much of it was dream, was gore and unrelenting emptiness, such that no one human could have ever withstood.

_ Roxas dreamt that Marluxia was being eaten by his own plants; that he was screaming._

As he dreamt, Roxas's heart mourned deeply for the death of his brother.

He saw the man at breakfast, something they all ate together as a family (not for much longer—watch as they disappear one by one.)_ Marluxia looked remarkably well as he sipped at some flowery concoction. He was quite fey underneath his wild and unfettered hair._

Marluxia and Father were looking at each other across the table. Staring at each other openly, their mouths curved with suppressed laughter, as if there were a joke the rest of them hadn't been told.

But, Xigbar was also grinning at his feed, eating slowly and methodically so as not to give away that he too appreciated the joke.

And all the while, Marluxia and Father continued to watch one another. Marluxia's green eyes were cool and haughty, seductive and venomous in one.

Xemnas's golden eyes had always reminded Roxas of an animal, feral and yet devastatingly intelligent. Roxas knew far too well how fluid and powerful Xemnas was.

"Saix." Father called for his favorite softly, but suddenly his eyes were on Roxas.

His youngest froze, having been caught staring. Now he was ensnared in Xemnas's gaze.

"Yes, Superior?" Saix answered. He sounded somewhat groggy, he never spoke much at their family breakfasts and never responded in any way to the chatter at the table. Roxas had suspected for some time now that Saix's mind was otherwise engaged in tasks far greater than the rest of them knew.

"I would like for you to come home, for a little while. I believe you've earned yourself some rest," Father murmured pointedly for Marluxia, but continued to watch Roxas… as if he were the prize Xemnas was so confident of winning.

Larxene looked up from her breakfast of chocolate covered fireflies and absentmindedly flicked over a wine glass. Zexion made an aggravated sound, while Vexen set his silverware down very slowly and took the white cloth napkin from across his lap, setting it over his plate.

And Roxas was still caught by those golden eyes; that piercing stare. Drowning in hunger and threat and that taint_ which had turned Xemnas's eyes so heartless._

Saix hesitated as he took in the scene around him. "Yes, Superior. Thank you."

"Welcome home, Number Seven," Xaldin greeted, half-smiling darkly, menace in his voice. The smile he directed at the lower ranks.

Axel sat back in his chair with a little laugh. "Yeah," he agreed sarcastically, "welcome home, brother."

Father smiled at them all and Roxas finally looked away nervously. He saw that Lexaues had his eyes closed, that he was meditating and chanting slowly. He saw that Demyx was pointedly not listening to this. He was playing with the water in his glass, making it chime and vibrate in ways probably only Demyx could hear.

Luxord had heard everything, but now he was rubbing at his beard thoughtfully, looking at everyone around him, assigning ratios and odds to each of them.

That was all right, Roxas thought. Luxord would have a few days to decide where his loyalties lay.

Roxas did not. He sat in his chair, trembling, until Father excused them from the table and then it was all he could do not to run. He was the rabbit, released with only a few seconds to spare before the dogs would come bounding behind him.

He wouldn't be able to escape on his own. Saix or Xigbar would be able to find him with ease. Father certainly could as well, but he would very angry if he had to come after Roxas personally. That was not something to contemplate.

He had to disappear and there was only one person who knew how to erase existence.

鳩

Brothers and sisters… he watched the way his trio of friends moved, felt the smile deep in his soul because he knew he could trust them. They did not look at each other with the hunger he was chased by in his dreams.

"Roxas?" Olette asked him, blinking at him in concern. "Come on, we're going up to the hill for a barbecue."

Roxas smiled, though inside he blanched. He had no taste for meat, not after what he had dreamt. She watched the color drain from his cheeks, watched the hollowness spread in his eyes.

_His smile is so sad,_ Olette thought, reaching out to touch his face. His face was warm beneath her palm. _Why can't I touch him…_

鳩

Axel in the streets, a slinking salamander.

There was an old spell, one Roxas did not remember learning, some ancient voudon that had never existed in the peaceful Eden of Twilight Town.

_A salamander, caught in the noontime heat, staked by the throat, whispered words that would summon up the fire within the lizard sprite._

The bones were then ground, used in a clay, shaped into an egg that would be fired by the intensity of its own element.

He placed a wish inside the clay, written on parchment in the ink of his own blood and should his wish be granted, a swan would break free from the lizard-clay egg one day.

"I wish…" Roxas sighed, watching the stars fall one by one. "I wish I could remember who my mother is."

_"I wish,"_ he dreamt he had said, _"I could be whole."_

鳩

He wondered how it would feel to spend the day at the beach with his family. He wondered what the sun would look like, if it would be different from the constant sunsets, which turned the windows of the city into glittering pomegranate seeds.

He wondered how it would feel to spend the day at the beach with Axel, if the man would get that close to the ocean or if he would refuse Roxas. Axel was his. Could that cold-blooded lizard refuse him anything?

The thought made him queasy, the sharp taste of bile reminding him too much of his dreams.

_ He found Namine in the corner of Marluxia's greenhouse. She was sketching lilies with grease paints absentmindedly._

"I had a dream_ last night," he relayed to his sister._

She set aside her sketchbook and looked up at him tiredly. She was fading to gray, poisoned by Marluxia and helpless without an antidote.

"And how did your dreams find you?" she questioned.

"I watched our family die," Roxas answered sharply. "I watched them turn against themselves."

Namine inhaled deeply, she admired the beautiful perfumes that Marluxia's garden created.

"And Father is no longer the god you painted him to be?" Namine sighed. "Our uncles are thugs and our siblings are power hungry. You are disenchanted with it?"

"I am in danger," Roxas entreated softly.

"So you're going to run away?"

"No," Roxas hissed, insulted that she should find him so weak. "I'm going to find a way to get back my heart."

"Father has promised us hearts," Namine whispered dreamily. "Marluxia has promised me my heart."

"Stay then," Roxas begged with growing horror. "But you won't betray me now, will you? You won't spurn my request just because you love him?"

"No," she agreed sadly. "I won't. I will draw you a way out. Go to the northern gate at midnight and it will be ready."

He was hurt by her and turned away. The favor he had asked was now a bitter debt to be repaid. He walked away from her and could not imagine ever wanting to come back.

"Roxas?" Namine called after him desperately. He stopped and looked at her, his expression strained, disdainful. "Please, don't forget about me."

He stared at her, saw his sister beneath all of the fading glamour Marluxia had put upon her.

"Goodbye," he replied and was gone.

鳩

Seifer was never truly dangerous. He was nothing but a petty bully with a sense of loyalty, a dog with a bone to pick, a chip on his shoulder.

Roxas always vexed him. Unlike him, Roxas was proud, calm, and powerful. He held things in his hands that would have crumbled at Seifer's touch. He was the true leader of those idiots who kept their club beneath the tracks, not Hayner.

As such, the only way to hurt Roxas was to hurt what belonged to him. Only then would he lose his calm, would show his anger. Roxas had cold eyes when he was angry. When his fists clenched at his sides… it would become all too clear that it was better to leave sleeping beasts lie.

But Seifer never did. Could never stand that no matter how hard he _tried_, Roxas was a leader without effort, was principled despite his age.

How had he become so much more than a child?

鳩

Roxas wondered at the way Sora smiled in his dreams. He practiced the expression in his mirrors, but saw only himself, a pale imitation and wondered, not for the first time, if he was Sora's dream and not the other way around.

He wondered what that would mean and a sense of impermanence made him shudder. What did that pantheon of darkness mean? Disorder? The elements pitted against one another, united beneath a depraved Father.

"Father," Roxas murmured, touching his lips as they formed the word. He tried to recall his father's face, but there was nothing to remember. Only those eyes, golden and feline, powerful.

Like father like son… who suffered for whose sins?

Roxas wondered if there was any hope for change in his life. He feared—_(knew, he knew)_—there was nothing for him. The swan had never been born.

鳩

Frightening dreams, remembrances. Roxas wondered what it felt like to feel safe, his mind turned towards Axel and perhaps in the cocoon of the man's lies, Roxas had once felt safe. Perhaps there was some part of that shattered family that had made him feel safe…

_It began to rain not long after he left his sister and Roxas saw Demyx's dancing figure flitting about on the castle's roof. Roxas went to join him and Demyx's eyes sparkled with pleasure at the attention._

He taught Roxas a dance before midnight came and the two of them practiced it in the rain to the explosion of the sunset over their twilight cage.

"You're more graceful than I thought, puppy feet," Demyx joked and Roxas smiled at him brilliantly.

"You're the best of us, do you know that, Demyx?" he asked. Something in his own voice making him tremble with sadness and desire.

Demyx looked embarrassed and murmured to Roxas, "Their hearts are so bitter; they hate everything so much they can't understand that all they need to do is find love again."

This revelation pierced Roxas, a glancing blow. He was being driven away in order to protect others. They were going to rip each themselves to pieces, but perhaps if Roxas could turn his family's attention onto him instead, instead of each other_, they could survive._

It seemed to him that Namine had let Marluxia drink so deeply from her spirit in the name of love. What part of her heart had been returned to her?

"I have to go now," Roxas excused himself, his heart beating in his throat as he prepared to jump down from the roof to the damp concrete below.

"I know you do," Demyx answered.

All around them the rain grew colder and more sluggish in the nighttime sky as Roxas careened towards the pavement so far below. He landed on both feet like a feather and hurried towards the North Gate through the cold warding rain (a parting gift from a brother.)

As the doorway loomed up out of the darkness, Roxas knew he could not expect to leave without a trace, but he had not expected Axel to be the one to come to him. Though, perhaps he should have.

Because he was leaving for Axel, just as Axel was staying and fighting for him.

Roxas could not admit to it. He feared what recognition of this feeling would do to them, would bind them together and Roxas feared that he had been born beneath a wicked sign. Saix and Luxord had both told him as much on multiple occasions.

So he told Axel that he did not care how he felt.

Don't follow me, Axel,_ he begged silently in his heart with the greatest of ardor, _They'll kill you if you do. Please, hate me. Please, please, don't follow me.__

He heard Axel's pain in the silence. He drowned in the sound of it.

鳩

Pence had noticed the snake in the streets.

"Green eyes, red hair, he's always watching you, Roxas," Pence warned.

"I know," Roxas mouthed, almost silently. His heart mourned. What was his… he would defend it fiercely, but things were moving nearly beyond his control.

"A stalker?" Hayner wondered. "Man, let's just fuck his shit up, Roxas."

Roxas smiled, nodding. Yes, he would have to confront his phantoms and fears and dreams.

_So sad,_ Olette thought in silence, wondering why she felt like crying.

鳩

His golden lion. Skin as white as smoke—_(and Axel knew smoke, knew its most sinuous secrets and its most delicate scents, knew its lust and its laments as well as he knew his _own_)_—eyes as cold as ice, but hair like gold. Always gold, whether beneath the sickly fanatic moon of their twilight cage, or the hungry golden god of Destiny Island, or here in this perverse little wonderland. Pure gold, his golden beast, _his_ and Axel _devoured_ what was his.

He remembered; he did not, could not, dream.

_At breakfast the next morning, Father had not come to sit with them, neither had his favorite nor his youngest. Marluxia and Larxene had also been gone._

Zexion had not stayed long.

There had been little talk. Axel had slumped in his chair miserably and most of the others had eaten, bar Demyx who had once again begun making his water glass sing.

It had only a matter of time, however, before the detente ended.

"Where is Roxas?" Xigbar had wondered drolly. Axel's shoulders had stiffened and he had bared his teeth at the man in a snarling smile.

"I don't know," Axel had rumbled, drawing up to his feet and his full height, his fury and fire making him larger than life. He could be intimidating after all, though Xigbar had hardly let his surprise show. "I think I'll go ask Marluxia about it."

He had left the room then. Luxord had watched after him speculatively, his ratio of worth changing drastically. A wild card, perhaps.

"I'm going to enjoy killing him," Xaldin had whispered, to which Vexen had coldly smiled.

"You will have to beat me to the honor, brother," he had said icily. Xaldin had laughed, the hunter, the dragon rising in his breast.

鳩

Axel knew there were evil deeds to be done to get what he wanted, and if that meant keeping Roxas, then he was prepared.

Roxas knew what he had seen in his waking dreams, knew where the light was now. He knew that Axel could not follow him, no matter the pacts of ownership that they had both made in a different world and a different time.

"I begged you not the follow me," Roxas said, strangely detached from the words as he stood before Axel. He could not remember saying them, had heard them in a dream and had known them to be true. "I begged you to hate me, because I knew they would kill you."

He'd never said those words, had let them ring inside of him in silence, drowned out by the cold rain. He had stayed silent because they would kill Axel. Every last member of their family was fated to die from their connection to him. If only Roxas was able to sever the tie.

Axel refused to understand. No, for Axel could still feel the cold seer in his chest where Roxas's parting expression of hatred and disdain had burned him.

"You belong to me," Axel replied darkly. This boy was not his Roxas, but he could be melted down and recreated, all his chinks and breaks carefully filled.

"You have to give me up this time," the boy whispered. He had never dreamt those words, had never meant to say them, but they were true. He was already gone. _He was already gone._ Again he was being driven away to protect something that could never belong to him. This time would be the last, the ultimate.

"No," the salamander refused, flatly, reaching out for him.

Roxas could not… bear to drive the stake through his throat, but knew there was no choice. It was out of their hands. Axel had to give him up this time; no lie could sweeten their sorrow and regret.

鳩

_Roxas dreamt that Demyx was drowning; trying to call out but there was too much water in his lungs._

As he dreamt, his heart mourned.

He awoke cold and alone, in darkness.

"Where am I?"

A million snow white doves crashed through the stained glass at his feet, ripping themselves to shreds on the beautiful rainbow of shards.

The pain. The pain was immense. He screamed in the cold and the dark and the alone.

And then he was silent. Never again to dream of the boy who was him and the quest that was not his own.

(A salamander waited at the seaside, watching the tide roll in… his bones ached.)

* * *

**Standard Disclaimers.**


End file.
